Chag Sameach

Chag Sameach is what I say from the beginning of December until about New Year's Day. It's Yiddish for "Happy Holidays," and I say it in Yiddish partly to mystify people but also to avoid the firestorm of manufactured Christian indignation at my recognizing the fact that Christmas is not the only celebration going at this time of year and by extension acknowledging that we live in a diverse society in which freedom of religion and freedom to not be religious is allegedly protected by the Constitution.

Current gigs, in case you don't know, include Chanukah (which is older than the rest and ought, by rights, to have seniority), Kwanzaa (which I have sometimes derided as a made-up holiday, but then, all holidays were made up initially) and on some years, depending on the lunar calendar, Ramadan. Although I'm Christian myself, I know about these things because I don't think I have to be an ignorant clod to maintain my faith.

I feel like this has been said a million times already, but I think it's worth pointing out that what right-wing Christians are claiming as their most sacred holiday (Easter comes in a sloppy second, possibly because of the merciful decline of pogrom-inducing Passion Plays) is already a pretty good example of the syncretism and general mixing of influences that result from (oh horrors) a diverse society.

Take the date, December 25. There's no real evidence that the Baby Jesus was born that day--in fact theologians and Biblical scholars think it was probably in March. December 25 was chosen by the church for two reasons: to upstage the Roman tradition of Saturnalia, a week-long party that was a byword for debauchery and general carrying-on, and also to deflect attention from the cult of Mithras, whose sacred day was in December.

The Christmas tree was not invented by Jesus; although it was encouraged by a 7th century monk from Thuringia (also the home of a kind of bologna, I believe). He was trying to get people to stop revering the oak, sacred to the pagans, by hanging upside-down fir trees from the roof of the chapel. People went along with it, the way they often do under an oppressive regime, but they probably just imbued the fir tree with the same old pagan significance. It's called syncretism. Eventually decorated Christmas trees were brought to England by the German Georgian royals, particularly Queen Victoria (the English royal family isn't English! They changed their name to Windsor from Sax Coburg Gotha during WWI. Admit it--I just blew your mind.) The tree tradition was imported to the US in the 19th century, where they were initially used by merchants to lure people into stores. So if Christians want a purer, less commercial obervance of Christmas, they might begin by hanging undecorated fir trees upside-down from their ceilings.

The red and green colors that are supposed to represent the crown of thorns and blood of Jesus? Originally they represented the holly and its berries, which were sacred to Druids (pagans again). The holly bush, which keeps its leaves and produces bright red berries, were potent symbols of light and life in the dark of winter. Which is something that all the winter holidays have in common, whether people want to admit it or not. Light in dark. Hope in the coldest, deadest time of the year.

So chag sameach, whether you are lighting candles to commemmorate a miracle in the Temple during a time of strife and trouble, lighting candles to celebrate striving for communal virtues, lighting fawanees to brighten Ramadan, or switching on several ropes of Christmas tree lights. The freakin' reason for the season is lighting up the darkness, not ramming your already dominant faith down other people's throats.

Words That Aren't the Same, November 18

Regiment and regimen.

I have been coming across the word "regiment" a lot, and not necessarily in novels about young ladies trying to find husbands during the Napoleonic Wars. I usually come across it in writing or talk about health and beauty, as in "Make sure you add this moisture-stripping toner/repulsive green drink/powerful blend of açai and pomegranate to your own beauty/health regiment."

Unless your daily grooming and diet habits include a "unit of ground forces, consisting of two or more battalions or battle groups, a headquarters unit and certain supporting units," I sincerely doubt that you have a beauty or health regiment. I could be wrong--I really don't know to what lengths some of you will go for dewy skin. What you do have is a beauty regimen, which is a systematic routine.

I suspect some of the women I work with may well have beauty regimes, and oppressive ones, at that. But that's for another day.

More Words That Aren't The Same

Demure and demur: Demure is an adjective meaning modest and shy, perhaps to the point of primness. Demur is a verb meaning to object and is so archaic that you probably shouldn't use it, except to know that it's not the same as demure.

Appraise and apprise: To appraise is to size up or estimate, as in value. A jeweler appraises a ring. To apprise is to inform or give notice, as you would apprise someone of a change.

And here's a little shout-out to writers of paranormal non-fiction: Having a glossary at the end of your book does not give you the right to change the definitions of words to suit your agenda.

De truth

"Defuse" and "diffuse" are not the same word. "Diffuse," which comes from the past participle of the Latin "diffundere" (to spread out), is most properly an adjective and describes something that is not localized, organized or specific; generally a speech or an idea. Diffuse is sometimes used as a verb meaning to scatter--as in light particles--but I advise against it because you are almost certainly going to get it wrong.

Most people say "diffuse" when they really mean "defuse," which means to make less harmful, specifically to make a bomb or a mine inactive. So you defuse a tense and/or dangerous situation, you don't diffuse it.

But you don't need to know all this Latin root stuff (although it helps); you can just look it up in the dictionary. When you don't know what a word means you can look in the dictionary and with the exception of the latest slang and jargon, it will tell you what the word means and even give you an example of proper usage. Don't just keep saying a word because your supervisor does. Because she doesn't know shit.

How doth the little bee improve the shining hour

When someone tells you how miserable they are, resist the temptation to remind them of their blessings. It might cause them to bite you.

Bitch Sibilance

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Bitch Sibilance is that excessive, whispery essing sound that has been adopted specifically by young, middle class women. I used to think it was a straight female thing, but lately I have gotten proof that it is slithering into lesbian usage. Some gay men do it too, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. (I have the highest of double-standards.)

Since I started working in a corporate setting I have been exposed to more Sibilance than I have witnessed since I got locked in a fitting room at Contempo Casuals at the Burnsville Mall. Unbelievable, Bitch Sibilance is perceptible even with the deployment of noise-cancelling headphones. The machine-destroying "frequency" in Terminator: Salvation must have been a recording of a twenty-something corporate go-getter describing her ideal fall work wardobe, or ordering a low-cal lunch. Native speakers of Castilian Spanish would grow pale and harried at the sound.

As far as I know the term 'Bitch Sibilance" was coined by my friend B. She works in the shoe department at Macy's, where a flocks of these women congregate at all times of the year, filling the air with their cries of "Oh My God
--that is ssssso cu-ute!" So she should know.

The main problem with Bitch Sibilance, aside from the way it makes me drop to the floor writhing and repeatedly boxing in my own ears, is that it is pure affectation. No-one was raised in a household where Bitch Sibilance was the primary or even secondary language spoken.

What is the reason for assuming Bitch Sibilance? Like any fake accent, it doesn't just come out of nowhere. I think young women do it because they (wrongly)think it is feminine and classy. And they do it because they hear other young women doing it. Ssssimian ssssee, sssssimian do. But the most compelling reason I've heard so far comes from my friend T., who points out that it's a way of softening speech. These ladiesssss apparently see a need to be taken less seriously in their day-to-day lives. I'm all for employing a little of the old suaviter in modo, but the other part of that is fortiter in re.

And that's one to grow on.

Me, myself, and me

"Myself" is an intensive form of "me," as in "I, myself, will write the blog." It doesn't add much. Or it's the reflexive form of me, as in "I gave myself a good frigging." It is most misused by middle management and people who want to get into middle management, as in "Feel free to contact Cori or myself if you have any questions about the Q3 new product rollout."

Here's an easy to avoid sounding like a guy who wears a dress shirt with short sleeves a tie and navy Dockers: Break the sentence in two. "Feel free to contact Cori," and "Feel free to contact--myself?" See how dumb it sounds? It's "contact me" or "Feel free to contact me or Cori," or "Cori or me," if you want to give way to a sycophantic desire or hypocritical need to put Cori first.

And the same goes for "Contact Cori or I" !!! Would you really say "Contact I"? Not unless you are a horta from Star Trek and express yourself by burning short, propitiatory phrases into solid rock with the acids of your own body.


There ya go, troglodytes!