Bitch Sibilance

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Bitch Sibilance is that excessive, whispery essing sound that has been adopted specifically by young, middle class women. I used to think it was a straight female thing, but lately I have gotten proof that it is slithering into lesbian usage. Some gay men do it too, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. (I have the highest of double-standards.)

Since I started working in a corporate setting I have been exposed to more Sibilance than I have witnessed since I got locked in a fitting room at Contempo Casuals at the Burnsville Mall. Unbelievable, Bitch Sibilance is perceptible even with the deployment of noise-cancelling headphones. The machine-destroying "frequency" in Terminator: Salvation must have been a recording of a twenty-something corporate go-getter describing her ideal fall work wardobe, or ordering a low-cal lunch. Native speakers of Castilian Spanish would grow pale and harried at the sound.

As far as I know the term 'Bitch Sibilance" was coined by my friend B. She works in the shoe department at Macy's, where a flocks of these women congregate at all times of the year, filling the air with their cries of "Oh My God
--that is ssssso cu-ute!" So she should know.

The main problem with Bitch Sibilance, aside from the way it makes me drop to the floor writhing and repeatedly boxing in my own ears, is that it is pure affectation. No-one was raised in a household where Bitch Sibilance was the primary or even secondary language spoken.

What is the reason for assuming Bitch Sibilance? Like any fake accent, it doesn't just come out of nowhere. I think young women do it because they (wrongly)think it is feminine and classy. And they do it because they hear other young women doing it. Ssssimian ssssee, sssssimian do. But the most compelling reason I've heard so far comes from my friend T., who points out that it's a way of softening speech. These ladiesssss apparently see a need to be taken less seriously in their day-to-day lives. I'm all for employing a little of the old suaviter in modo, but the other part of that is fortiter in re.

And that's one to grow on.

Me, myself, and me

"Myself" is an intensive form of "me," as in "I, myself, will write the blog." It doesn't add much. Or it's the reflexive form of me, as in "I gave myself a good frigging." It is most misused by middle management and people who want to get into middle management, as in "Feel free to contact Cori or myself if you have any questions about the Q3 new product rollout."

Here's an easy to avoid sounding like a guy who wears a dress shirt with short sleeves a tie and navy Dockers: Break the sentence in two. "Feel free to contact Cori," and "Feel free to contact--myself?" See how dumb it sounds? It's "contact me" or "Feel free to contact me or Cori," or "Cori or me," if you want to give way to a sycophantic desire or hypocritical need to put Cori first.

And the same goes for "Contact Cori or I" !!! Would you really say "Contact I"? Not unless you are a horta from Star Trek and express yourself by burning short, propitiatory phrases into solid rock with the acids of your own body.


There ya go, troglodytes!